Free to be me?

In my 29 years on this planet I have often struggled with who I am. Past mistakes and experiences have made me question my importance and have made me extremely self conscious. Confidence has always seemed rare and hard to find. I have always concerned on how people viewed me, especially living in such a small town. When people did give me compliments I was quick to shoot them down or smile and nod, while in my head saying “if you only knew…”
I prayed honestly to God, over and over, constantly asking that people see the beauty on the inside, and not be focused on how I look (especially because I never liked how I looked to begin with). I prayed that maybe people would see the loving, patient, hard working me and look past all my previous mistakes. I worked twice as hard to make sure that I was putting my best foot forward, and every time it seemed like I had failed. I was sure that it was some karmic punishment for my past.
I would read my Bible. Over and over I would read passages like 1 Peter 3:3-4 that say “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” I clung to it. On days that I was really down on myself I would read Proverbs 31 over and over, especially verse 30 that says “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” I knew what God had intended, but how did I bring that into MY life, how did it apply to ME?

And then it came to me…one night when my house was still and everyone had gone to bed. I had received an e-mail from a dear friend and the quote attached to it hit me like a ton of bricks. Here’s what it said:
"Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Whoa. I am pretty sure that if God could have put a burning bush in the middle of my living room, he would have done it then and there.

I am exactly where I need to be? In my situation right now? I am not even sure how I got here, and this thing is telling me I am SUPPOSED to be in this moment?
Hmm… Faith in MYSELF? Laughable. Well, I guess it’s not such a crazy notion. I mean, if I am exactly where I am supposed to be, then, shouldn’t I trust in myself a little more?
Be content with myself, just the way I am. And that’s when it hit me. That’s what the problem has been. Why couldn’t I just be content with ME. I mean, I have gotten myself this far, haven’t I? I have overcome some pretty crazy things and still have come out on top. I have two healthy, reasonably happy boys, a caring wonderful husband, an amazing job, a home, and some pretty fantastic friends.

I did that. Me, Jen. I worked hard, came from adversity, and turned out way better than others in my same situation.

I may not be exactly where I want to be, but everyone has to have dreams and goals. Instead of negatives, I need to start putting them into positives. Push myself. Remind myself daily that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. God’s got my back. Just keep being me, the real me. The crazy, fun loving, HUGE hearted, patient, caring, Jen. Good will come to those who do good for God’s Kingdom, He promises it, and who I am I to argue with the Big Guy?

And for the first time in 29 years, I was ok with it. I was ok with me.

I started realizing that I am pretty freaking fantastic and that God did pretty good by me; and that is the knowledge, my friends, that I will let settle into my bones at the end of each day.
For those of you who haven’t quite found their confidence or are struggling with who they are, I hope that you found some encouragement in my ramblings. I pray that it doesn’t take you 29 years to figure out that God made YOU pretty special too…

Truly Finding Myself Among the Rubble,
Jen

Side note: I will note that confidence is MUCH different than pride or vanity. Confidence is believing in one’s self and who they were made to be, while pride and vanity have to do with loving one’s self more than others. It’s important to know the difference between them.

Untitled...

I write this blog with mixed emotions.  Should I, or shouldn't I?  Am I going to educate people or just sound whiny?  Am I doing it for the right reasons?  It all comes back to the fact that a lot of people have asked if I am "ok" lately and instead of getting in to some lengthy discussion about how I really feel or what's really going on, I blame it on being tired or just life being busy.

Don't get me wrong, I am not lying to people, I really am busy or tired, but not like it normally is.  Life hasn't been "normal" for me since February when I went in to the doctor with pain in my hips.  Now, let me stop a minute and say that this isn't "oh I just slept funny" pain, this is excruciating, throbbing, "I can tell you where the socket meets the bone" pain.  Nothing comes easy it seems, even something like sleeping can be miserable.  Some days I walk up the stairs of my house a couple of times and I can hardly move. 

Let's go back to February now.  My doctor thought it could be a virus that started attacking my joints so I was put on an anti-biotic for a week.  When that didn't work, a stronger one was prescribed.  When that didn't work he started me on steroid #1.  The thought was maybe I had some sort of RA symptoms.  Blood tests and x-rays were done and all came back normal.  The pain was still there.  Steroid #2 was then prescribed.  Steroid #2 was miserable.  I was constantly wired, my eyes were tired, but the steroid wouldn't let my body rest.  I was moody, irritable and just downright mean.  I hated it.  I asked for something else.  Steroid #3 was then prescribed along with a referral to a rhumetologist.  Finally, in July I got to see him.  The rhumetologist then had me ween off of Steroid #3 and start on Steroid #4.  More blood work and an MRI were ordered and I finally get to find out some sort of result on Tuesday (Lord willing). 

So, if I count right, I have been on 4 (and maybe 5, I can't remember all of them) different kinds of steroids in the last 6 months and let me tell you they are horrible things!  I hate taking them.  They do make the pain somewhat less, but the side effects sometimes aren't even worth it.  I am extremely tired all the time, any emotion that I am feeling I feel it x 1,000,000,000 and I am terribly moody.  Add that to the pain that I have if it happens to be a "bad pain day" and  I am pretty sure that my family can't stand to be around me most of the time.  I hate it because I don't show outward symptoms of my inside pain.  I don't look sick, I don't have open wounds or scars, but something is very wrong with me inside and it's hard for me to explain...maybe that's the purpose of this blog.

I do, however, appreciate the people who have let me vent (Christina, my Dad, Barb and Melissa!!) and who have stuck by me even on my worst days (Will!!).  I don't want to be this person, I try very hard not to be this person, but it seems like more and more lately this person and I are become the same one.  I will keep focusing on the positive and praying that we can figure out what's wrong so I don't I have to go through this anymore and I will lean on those who will let me.

So, I guess, what I am trying to say is, if I am not the same, bubbly, excited person you see walking down the street, or I am not out super late because I am tired (even though I just took a nap), please know, it's not you, it's me and this horrible, mysterious problem I have...please be patient with me...I really need you now more than ever.

Clinging to the Rock,
Jen

She does exisist!

I feel like I should be singing the theme song to Welcome Back Cotter.  But, if you know me, you know I probably shouldn't be singing at all...that is, if you enjoy being able to hear. 

I would love to say that my hiatus has been because our family was off doing something miraculous or intriguing or even that I was off being a Super Parent.  But, alas, it was really none of that.  I blame it on my hectic schedule when in all honesty I completely forgot about this blogging thing all together...

This is where I beg for forgiveness and ask you, the reader, to stick with me and that I promise I will write more.  I, again, am going to be completely honest and say that life gets crazy and if I forget about this blog again...well, lets just hope I don't.

I should probably update you on the boys.  Liem is now almost 9 and going to be in 4th grade this year...crazy, I know.  He's turning into this little man on me.  I have been learning so much more about his introvert-ness (if that's even a word) and trying to make his world as comfortable as it can be for him.  I mean, it's got to be hard being an introvert in a family of loud, crazy, extroverts.  He has learned (finally) to swim underwater this year, which is a big deal for him.  At the Baby Food Festival this year he climbed the rock wall almost to the top (which is a HUGE step for him!)

Liem's Rock Wall Awesomeness!

Liem joined a bowling league over the winter and did so well that he qualified for the Pepsi Tournament (which is a state bowling tournament with scholarship opportunities!).  We were SO incredibly proud of him and he did a fantastic job, bowling over his average for all three games! *Side note:  I just checked the postings for the overall results and Liem finished 78-80 out of 190 boys in his age group with a 694 series!!  I am so incredibly proud of him!!
Liem is also very into the WWE (yes, wrestling...*headdesk*), which we support because it's something that he is VERY passionate about.  We sleep, eat and breathe wrestling around here...we watch on Mondays, Fridays and the occasional Sunday PPV.  I can tell you that John Cena was screwed out of the Heavy Weight Championship by CM Punk, who now turned heel...but, I cannot tell you what I did last week.  This is what my life is turned into, but you know what?  I wouldn't change it for the world!  The time I get to spend with Liem is precious and I will do ANYTHING to make sure he knows that he is important to not only me, but to our entire family.

Onto Killian.  He just turned 6 in June and the poor boy is still in 4t clothes.  But, what he lacks in size he makes up for in personality.  I am not quite sure where is dramatic side comes from (*looks around the room and whistles quietly to herself*), but I am hoping it's just a phase and we will get through it.  Killian is our sports kid.  This year was the first year he could sign up for Community Ed sports, and he wanted to do it all.  We settled on wrestling this winter.  Will had all the confidence in the world in Killian when we walked into his first tournament...I was the mother in the corner covering her eyes and pacing the floor because I couldn't handle it (and we don't even want to get started on the nervous poops!).  He did VERY well and placed 2nd overall with a record of 2-1 (recorded TWO pins!).  Killian wants to do it again this year but his goal this time is to make it to State (and yes, his dad is over the moon about the whole thing). 
Killian also did something very special this year.  This was the year that Killian gave his heart to the Lord!  It started with a very innocent conversation about what a Christian was and turned into Killian praying to God and asking to be His "Forever Friend".  Killian woke up that morning just getting ready for school, and walked out the door that morning a Christian.  Talk about "just another day"! 

Oh William.  Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have a husband like him?  He has got to be the hardest worker I have ever met.  He and I have been working on our communication lately and I must say all of the prayer and hard work is paying off!  I know what it now means when people say "I am more in love with you now then when I was when we got married."  Will has been an extra help with the boys while I am at work or running around trying to save the world.  I am so lucky to have him.  He's currently golfing at the Moose State Tournament (a much deserved break!) with Ryan, he seems to be enjoying himself more and not taking life so seriously.  We have been working on his credit and are getting closer and closer to being homeowners again!  As exciting as that is, it's also extremely scary...but with God's grace we will get through it and be better on the other side :)

Hmm, what's left?  Oh, that's right...me.  Well, let's see, I feel like summer is the time where I am running 90 miles an hour backwards...and if you know me, you know I am not a huge fan of running.  The only saving grace is the fact that in three weeks we are off to see my brother Jim down in Missouri :)  I am super psyched to see the base he is working at and I am especially psyched that my dad is coming with us!  I am not sure how the 11+ hour car ride is going to go, but perhaps that can be what my next blog will be about...until next time...

Happy Trails me amigos,
Jen

Being Thankful...Chapter 2: Liem Ethan

With the craziness of life these last couple of months I have had less and less time to do free writing (which I love) and so tonight I just want to take a couple of minutes to continue on with my praise to the Lord for another handsome man whom I am so lucky to have in my life.  My little man, Liem E :)

Full Name:
Liem Ethan Stark

Relationship to Me:
My oldest son :)

My Favorite Thing About Him:
Hmm, where to start?  His whit.  As much as I hate it, I love it too.  I think the thing I love more is his compassion for others.  This is the boy who couldn't kill bugs because he never wanted to kill anything.  The one, who at age 7, still wants to snuggle, gives me the best hugs and kisses and sometimes even takes a nap with me :)  He is the little boy who gave his heart to Jesus at age 6 and let me be a part of it (I bawled the whole time) because he knew how important it was.  Sometimes it makes me sad that I can no longer see the little boy he once was, but the man he is becoming, but with that I have the promise of a wonderful future for him. 

My Favorite Memory of Him:
I think my favorite memories of him was when it was just him and I (before Will came along).  He got me through so many hard things in life just by being there.  Sometimes I think it's silly to say that my 1 1/2 year old was my rock during a time when I couldn't even see the shore, but that's exactly what it was.  I would literally count the hours down until I got to see him again...he was my motivation.  I got up every day for him...I worked my butt of for him...my whole life at that point was for him...and every single moment was worth it...I am forever grateful for the time that we spent together then and he didn't have to DO anything...just be himself.  He made me laugh when I wanted to cry, dance when there was no music, and love when I thought I had nothing left...and Liem continues to do that for me right now...he will forever be "My Little Man".

My Bible Verse for Liem:

I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime – until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.
+Isaiah 46:3-4


Liem's Lyrics:
When you cry be sure to dry your eyes

'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone
And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big
When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way
And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

+Dream Big, Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band

My Wish for Liem:
To know love, true, deep, unconditional love.  To continue to be compassionate to those around him.  To dive deep into his faith in Jesus Christ and let go of all reservations.  To trust those around him.  I hope that he understands that some families are different, but that doesn't make it all that bad...it just means more love to go around :)

Odds and Ends:
My sweet, sweet, boy...oh how you are loved so much more than you will ever know!  You truly light up my life...every aspect of it!  God has given me such a precious, spectacular gift in you...I thank Him always for it!  I am SO incredibly proud of the man you are becoming...I love you forever and ALWAYS!!!  And remember, NOBODY loves you, precious boy, like your momma :)

Being Thankful...Chapter 1...Killian

Killian is having a rough day today, so I thought I would start with him (that and being the youngest I will be able to remember more since most of it wasn't very long ago...LOL!)

Full Name:
Killian James Prewitt

Relationship to Me:
My youngest son :)

My Favorite Thing About Him:
Killian has such charm!  His personality oozes out of him and you can't help but love him.  I am sure he gets away with more than what he should, but sometimes he looks at you and you cannot help but melt away!  He's headstrong and stubborn, but I was told once that stubborn children were a blessing if they were stubborn for the Lord!  I pray constantly that he grows in his faith and he seems to love being at church and reading his new Bible (which his daddy reads to him every night), I am hoping that person was right!
I also love how loving he is.  He is constantly trying to give me hugs, asking me to hold him or when he sleeps next to me at night, he needs to be touching me.  He loves taking care of people and making sure all of his friends are included in whatever he is doing.  Will once told me that Killian looks exactly like him, but has my heart, which is all I could have ever asked for :)

My Favorite Memory of Him:
There are so many!  As I  look at the pictures on the wall, I can't help but think of a million times that he has jumped off something or ran into something and scared me half to death.  He's a bruiser, that's for sure!  I think one of my favorite memories of him is when he was in the hospital.  I know you are probably all thinking...what the heck?  But when we were there it was just him and I, and although I was scared for him because I didn't know what was wrong, he and I got to spend a lot of Mommy and Me time.  It's been hard since then to spend that much one on one time with either him or Liem.  I remember in the hospital he would wake up each morning and say "I love you Mommy!" or when I would ride him around in the wagon for the millionth time how he would giggle uncontrollably.  Then finally, when they figured out what was wrong and he could walk again, his first steps were to me!  I cried and thanked Jesus for giving the Doctors the knowledge to heal him...and now 2 years later I am happy to say our bond is still that strong :)

Killian's Verse from the Bible:
Everytime I think of you, I give thanks to my God
+Phil 1:3

Killian's Lyrics:
I hope you never look back but you never forget

All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
+My Wish by Rascal Flatts

My Wish for Killian:
To know Jesus' true love for him, to grow up wise and strong, to love and be loved in return, to know that whatever happens, wherever he goes, that his dad and I love him more than anything.  To appreciate the world around him, to have atleast one friend in the world that knows him inside and out, to give to those who need and most importantly, to always call his MOTHER!! :)

Odds and Ends:
Killian, my wonderful little boy, I how thankful I am that God gave me you!  You are so passionate about everything, I cannot wait to see where it takes you...I love you the most (I WIN!)...

Being Thankful...Forward

The new year brings in new goals and a chance to have a fresh start.  With that being said, I have decided to blog what I am thankful for (in detail) so I can look back and realize how much God has blessed me over my lifetime.  There will be several questions/statements I will ask myself and then answer in hopes that when I am having a bad day, I can look back and say "Thank you Jesus!"
Each blog will contain the following componants:
Person's Full Name
Relationship to Me
My Favorite things About Them
My Favorite Memory of Them
A Verse from the Bible that I Associate with Them (this will help me search the word and make sure I am hitting another one of my goals about being in the Word more)
Some Lyrics from Our Song (believe me, I have associated an "Our Song" with most everything!)
My Wish for Them
Odds and Ends

I think that pretty much wraps it up.  I am excited to start this process because I cannot wait to see the finished product :)  I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

The Rose of My Heart...

So, it's 10:00 at night, and I am having a hard time falling asleep.  I was watching Teen Mom tonight and some of the girls on the show were talking about how they had only been with their significant other for months before they got pregnant and how it wasn't going to work out.  It made me realize how lucky I am, because, as some of you may not know, I was in a very similar situation.

It started 5.5 years ago.  That's when I met Will for the first time.  It was the beginning of June and I remember that day like it was yesterday (which, as most of you know, I have a horrible memory, so that's a pretty awesome thing).  He walked into my office and walked into my life all in the same moment.

Now, you must know that at this time I was a 21 year old, single mom who just had gotten (or was still in the process of TRYING to get out of) an abusive relationship (and no, it wasn't Liem's dad).  Not the kind of woman you would want to date or even THINK about (the baggage alone would make any sane man run for the hills) hanging around.  I was a mess.  I kept telling myself that I was done with dating for a while...that I was going to raise my son and finally be able to do it on my own.  That's when HE walked in...

He was pretty cute...alright, he was VERY cute.  He started talking about his friend Dan, who had recently passed away from a tragic accident.  My ex at the time had sent me roses in an effort to try to get back together (I hid them so Will wouldn't think I was dating anyone...I was a dork).  As he finished up his paperwork and walked out the door, my sister in law commented on how nice he looked and what a catch he would be (as opposed to my ex).  I joked "I am going to marry that boy someday", to which my niece replied "If you marry him, I get to be in your wedding!"

Around the end of July we started dating.  He had just gotten out of a very committed relationship and didn't want to jump back into anything.  So, for the next couple of weeks that's what we did.  No strings, no anything...until August came.

In August I got to meet his friends from Detroit for the first time.  We went up north camping...it was also the same weekend I would find out that my Grandpa Vanderwall had passed away.  When I think about that weekend it was bittersweet because even though I lost someone I loved very much, it was also the weekend that Will told me he loved me.  He was so comforting about the whole thing...

September he attended Liem's second birthday party, by then we were inseparable. 

By the end of October I found out I was pregnant.  At this point we had been dating for 3.5 months!  Will and I had talked before about children and what were to happen if I had gotten pregnant in casual conversation.  I told him I would want to get married and provide the child with a home and two parents (something I unfortunately couldn't do for Liem) and he agreed.  I was so nervous for Will's reaction.  I didn't know what he would do...we had talked about marriage but would he really do it?  It was the longest 24 hours of my life.  Will's reaction was one I will never forget...he was over the moon!  He couldn't stop smiling and saying "are you sure?"  By then I had only taken a home test, so we wanted to make 100% sure by going to the doctors office.

I went to the doctors and found out I was definitely pregnant.  When I got home that day and told Will that we were 100% having a baby now, he looked at me and said "we probably should get married now, huh?" (YES, that was his proposal...LOL!).  He told me that he wasn't marrying me just because of the baby, but because he loved me (and that the baby was just moving things a long a little faster). 

We were married in December...literally 5 months after our first date...6 months since I had first met him and have just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary.  And for those of you who were curious, I kept my promise and my niece was one of my bridesmaids in my wedding :)

I know how lucky we are...I chalk our success up to us both being very stubborn about making our marriage work and knowing that as long as we trust in the Lord, everything else will fall into place.  Everyday I look at him and realize how blessed I am to have him...that he's my best friend.  I think back to that scared, lonely, single mom I was and how in an instant he changed everything.  How instead of running away from me, he ran toward me...he promised to be a good step-father to Liem, he gets along with Liem's dad, he's a wonderful father to Killian and he loves me no matter what.  God knew what He was doing when He brought Will into my life...we may have done it backwards, but I wouldn't change ANY of it for the world!

Don't get me wrong, we have had our ups and downs, our struggles and our fights...but he completes me, I can honestly say I am in love with him more now then the day we got married...William Prewitt...you are truly the 'rose of my heart'.

Rose of My Heart, by Johnny Cash
We're the best partners this world's ever seen,

Together as close as can be.
But sometimes it's hard to find time in between,
To tell you what you mean to me.
You are the rose of my heart,
You are the love of my life.
A flower not fading nor falling apart,
If you're tired, rest your head on my arm.
Rose of my heart.