Free to be me?

In my 29 years on this planet I have often struggled with who I am. Past mistakes and experiences have made me question my importance and have made me extremely self conscious. Confidence has always seemed rare and hard to find. I have always concerned on how people viewed me, especially living in such a small town. When people did give me compliments I was quick to shoot them down or smile and nod, while in my head saying “if you only knew…”
I prayed honestly to God, over and over, constantly asking that people see the beauty on the inside, and not be focused on how I look (especially because I never liked how I looked to begin with). I prayed that maybe people would see the loving, patient, hard working me and look past all my previous mistakes. I worked twice as hard to make sure that I was putting my best foot forward, and every time it seemed like I had failed. I was sure that it was some karmic punishment for my past.
I would read my Bible. Over and over I would read passages like 1 Peter 3:3-4 that say “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” I clung to it. On days that I was really down on myself I would read Proverbs 31 over and over, especially verse 30 that says “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” I knew what God had intended, but how did I bring that into MY life, how did it apply to ME?

And then it came to me…one night when my house was still and everyone had gone to bed. I had received an e-mail from a dear friend and the quote attached to it hit me like a ton of bricks. Here’s what it said:
"Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Whoa. I am pretty sure that if God could have put a burning bush in the middle of my living room, he would have done it then and there.

I am exactly where I need to be? In my situation right now? I am not even sure how I got here, and this thing is telling me I am SUPPOSED to be in this moment?
Hmm… Faith in MYSELF? Laughable. Well, I guess it’s not such a crazy notion. I mean, if I am exactly where I am supposed to be, then, shouldn’t I trust in myself a little more?
Be content with myself, just the way I am. And that’s when it hit me. That’s what the problem has been. Why couldn’t I just be content with ME. I mean, I have gotten myself this far, haven’t I? I have overcome some pretty crazy things and still have come out on top. I have two healthy, reasonably happy boys, a caring wonderful husband, an amazing job, a home, and some pretty fantastic friends.

I did that. Me, Jen. I worked hard, came from adversity, and turned out way better than others in my same situation.

I may not be exactly where I want to be, but everyone has to have dreams and goals. Instead of negatives, I need to start putting them into positives. Push myself. Remind myself daily that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. God’s got my back. Just keep being me, the real me. The crazy, fun loving, HUGE hearted, patient, caring, Jen. Good will come to those who do good for God’s Kingdom, He promises it, and who I am I to argue with the Big Guy?

And for the first time in 29 years, I was ok with it. I was ok with me.

I started realizing that I am pretty freaking fantastic and that God did pretty good by me; and that is the knowledge, my friends, that I will let settle into my bones at the end of each day.
For those of you who haven’t quite found their confidence or are struggling with who they are, I hope that you found some encouragement in my ramblings. I pray that it doesn’t take you 29 years to figure out that God made YOU pretty special too…

Truly Finding Myself Among the Rubble,
Jen

Side note: I will note that confidence is MUCH different than pride or vanity. Confidence is believing in one’s self and who they were made to be, while pride and vanity have to do with loving one’s self more than others. It’s important to know the difference between them.